Friday, July 04, 2008

3rd July 2008

Sometimes days just fall into place like yesterday, and other days they just don’t. I am not sure it is the fault of the actual day – in fact I know that it most certainly is not. I’m pretty sure it is the way I look at the day that can change how it turns out. And today has not been the best of days.

It is a busy time at the moment for all of us, and the fact that I still have not managed to finish sorting out the study, library and garage from our move is an almost constant irritation to me. I know I can get it done, but I always hesitate to start as going through papers, books etc almost always turns up something that reminds me of Mom and Dad and makes me feel sad. So I do everything I can to avoid the pain. The thing is, Guy really needs the study to be sorted, as he is working in the dining room most of the time at the moment and that does not work for either of us. Even though we don’t “need” the table as we have a dining area in the kitchen as well, the dining room is one of the first rooms you see as you come in the house and we all like it to be tidy. I need the library sorted as that is, in effect, my study. It is also my refuge, where I keep my favourite books, furniture and photographs. At the moment, even carving a path to the reading chair is a dangerous enterprise, involving getting over and round boxes of books, memories and the strange metaphysical presence of my frustrating and irritating reluctance to move forward. So I don’t read in there, and I’m working mostly on the kitchen table at the moment. The library is one of the prettiest rooms in the house as well, with a gorgeous feature window, and mostly I keep the door closed to hide the mess. Not ideal.

And for some reason today was just really hard work. Even my Pilates class was a struggle – although in the end I was very proud of how hard I had worked and what I had achieved – and yoga was made harder by the fact my head kept getting in the way of trying to move through the poses. (By my head I mean my mind of course, not my actual head!) The fact that Guy had a hugely busy day as well was not helping, and when I finally texted him at 7.15pm asking should I give Alex some dinner and then get ours later, we were both pretty stressed out.

I thought I had recovered the situation as Alex and I had a really nice time in the kitchen making his dinner. I taught him to make an omelette. Alex really likes cooking and I think it is vitally important that young people be able to cook healthy, nutritious food for themselves. It was wonderful to watch Alex being creative and learning to make something for himself that he really enjoyed eating.

But the truth is, both Alex and I should have eaten a bit earlier. Because by the time I had made Guy’s dinner and he had got home and we had eaten, I was frazzled out of my mind. Guy had work to do after dinner as well. So Alex and I went to have a quick look at the television to chose something for him to download off the Apple TV to watch tomorrow night (Guy and I are out tomorrow evening). So Guy put his Bose headphones on so he could work.

I hate Bose headphones. Guy has a top of the line pair, and they completely cut out all outside noise. He likes them because as well as having great sound quality, they can also be worn to cut out all outside noise and make it quiet. He can use them to sleep on airplanes. I can’t wear them except to play music. The total absence of sound just makes me feel claustrophobic – to me it’s like I’m dead.

Anyway, after a while Alex went upstairs and Guy carried on working. Being in the mood I was, I was kind of floating around not really doing anything in particular. This is the point I should have done something nice for myself like go upstairs and read or something. But I carried on working – ironing, tidying etc. Guy carried on wearing his headphones, so I could not even say a few words to him without having to touch him on the shoulder. Alex was upstairs watching television.

So being in the mood I was I felt completely abandoned and rejected. In retrospect this was stupid, I should have just taken the opportunity to have some “me” time. But I hate “me” time and I hate Bose headphones. So I chose the mature approach and got really, really cross. Eventually I just stormed off to bed – after making sure Guy could hear me whilst I told him how much I hated those headphones.

I felt quite badly afterwards as Guy worked till nearly 2am. But I learned something from it all – I need to put myself first more often. Just because everyone else is busy I don’t have to be. And I don’t have to wait until someone else is free to relax with me to go and do something relaxing myself. I’m allowed to take a break, and I don’t have to feel rejected just because everyone else is doing something else. I think most 21st Century Housewives could learn from this one. And it is probably easier to learn it by reading this than by doing what I did – “storming off” is always exhausting!!

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